We have all been told many things before we have kids… BUT between birth and toddlerhood THINGS CHANGE DRAMATICALLY!!! We have all heard the sleep while you can & they grow up so fast before they are born. They forgot to mention that by age 3 you would have a cranky mother-in-law living in the body of your toddler!
Here’s my list on things I want to tell you before you have a toddler:
- You will not sleep… For at least a year or 2 without a kid at the foot, head or side of your bed
- You will be making 43 different snacks a day and not one will be eaten
- Sugar to a toddler is like an adult drinking 3 red bulls while snorting cocaine at a rave
- Urinating IN the bowl is optional
- Pooping IN the bowl optional as well (all clothes come off for this)
- Poop IS funny
- Toddlers are incapable of speaking the words YES MOMMY, Their muscle tone doesn’t allow for it
- All bathroom activities as the parent now come with an audience, You don’t need internet fans with toddlers around. When your taking that shit you will now have an announcer giving you the play by play
- Brushing hair, makeup & showering for mom is EXTRA not a given
- Brushing hair, brushing teeth, showering & dressing for toddler is EXTRA not a given. Naked is the new black
- Remember that man you or your friend once dated and you thought to yourself “I would never allow a man to speak/treat me like that”, Your toddler will…
- 6:30 AM is “Sleeping in”
- You would rather die than be hungover and deal with a three year old
- You are ALWAYS tired, ALWAYS… Even after a 4 month hiatus in Mexico… ALWAYS!
- Those moms you see on instagram all put together or always in fashion, They don’t have toddlers! (& if they do they leave them with nannies all day)
After all of this I am exhausted, Day in and day out dealing with the same shit. The complaints, fighting, screaming make me think: I PAID FOR THIS SHIT??? (My sons are adopted & IVF, I paid GOOD MONEY for it) and I see them, at 9 pm sleeping in their beds and am reminded that they will not always be obsessed with me. I will not always be the center of their universe and one day I may have to fight or share (more than likely fight because I am the definition of a Jewish SMOTHERER) them with some lucky person. I embrace the chaos and welcome the exhaustion. I am super mom right? RIGHT???